momma

she struggles for the next word
and fills in the pauses with that kind of thing
and the bottom line is
i feel nervous and i scramble to think it through
what did she see what did she read
can i connect the broken pieces again
and i wonder if she realizes what is happening

she worries about her dad and her crazy brother
the upcoming election
the upkeep of her yard
and how she is going to paint her ceiling
but the stories are full of holes
vague wandering confusing

and i worry
how can i help her
how do i tell her what i see what i hear how i feel
i want to shelter her protect her
listen through the pauses
patient
calm
fill in the blanks patch the holes in her stories
in her memory

my mothers voice

we visited over lunch
i told stories about my adventures
she laughed and patted my hand
food - movie - food
easy saturday

i tried to read her
and not let the realizations wash over my face
she walked so slow
tired
fragile
nervous

she is worried about bothering me
inconvienencing me
and i am worried about her
she asks the same questions over and over
i calmly respond as if its the first time every time

shadow

we hung the blinds
one after another
mark the window
drill two holes on each side
screw in the brackets
hang the blind
untangle the cords
make sure it works

next

and my sister worked in the kitchen with my mom
ancient cookbook open to the beef strogonoff recipe
my mom read each step
looked at the pan
reminding herself where she was in the process
butter
onions
garlic
brown the meat
salt
paprika
red pepper
my mom panicked when she read next line
one tablespoon tomato paste
she was sure she didnt have any tomato paste
she paused for a minute and pulled a plastic container of blue cheese out of the fridge
offering to use it instead
and my jaw dropped

growing up we had dinner every night as a family
everyone at the table
rotating menu of which beef strogonoff was the star
my mom must have made it more than a thousand times
rote
by sight
by taste
by smell
we knew when her allergies were getting the best of her
the strogonoff was spicy

i like blue cheese she said
and my sister looked at me blankly
we are not going to use blue cheese mom
i do like blue cheese though - it will be fine
and i walked to the pantry and found a small can of tomoato paste on the shelf

patience

careful balance speaking up confidently thoughtfully articulately and dominating the conversation breathe breathe and breathe again