I miss my mom
Early lunch and then a movie
It didn’t matter what was playing
As we walked up
We picked the next one showing
We would race to the box office from our separate cars
To decide who would get to pay
And the other of us would get popcorn and Coke Zero

I miss those easy Sunday afternoons
The updates from the hospital
From her church friends
Her laughter
Her listening

view from above

i understand now

that it’s not a shattered heart

an ignored body

an empty hollow chest

a too tired brain

an exhausted soul

this broken lens this shield over my eyes

this frame I have overlaid

clouded by my fear 

splintered with my doubt

my view has been distorted and twisted

i hold my breath and break the surface 

the cold water stings 

and clears my view

relieved, i feel my heart strongly pumping

my chest fills with hope  

and the remaining space is possibility

present

her jeans and denim shirt in my closet
the borrowed book on my nightstand
her light white scarf over dark blue of my couch
she is present in so many parts of me
she marks me
changes me
sees me

so I wrap myself in her
and wait
and hope

🍀✨❤️

indies

my hand on her neck

and I can feel her voice vibrating

in her chest

and in mine

last night

i am nervous and my belly is churning
hi how are you   how was your day
and she unzips her jacket
beneath the blue scarf
i can see she is wearing my shirt
my heart races
and i cannot stop smiling
she takes off her jacket
the loud restaurant covers my gasp
and we are both staring
her shoulders
her arms
she is so beautiful
and I cannot stop smiling

i replay her kiss
her hands pulling my hair
reread each word
feeling it all wash over me again
and i cannot stop

i would have

i would have rested my hand on your leg
i would have checked my coat
with my hands free
i would have reached for you
i would have leaned in
pressed myself against you
i would have caught your eye and held it
i would have run my fingers down your neck
held my hand on your chest
i would have told you more

and for me it grew each day i saw you
each day we talked
and the afternoon flowed over
into a cocktail and dinner and a nightcap
and a can’t wait to go upstairs

and i am grateful for everything exactly as it was
and exactly as it is
i made it to today
to this

unfold

i am excited
and my brain spins   tries to order things
define them define this
and my heart whispers:
stay in this gorgeous moment
walk back towards vulnerable sweet woman
be present  open  unfold
trust her   trust this

wednesday

in that grey shadow 

just outside the reach of the light

we walk through the uncharted

exploring the edges of new

finding each other’s hands 

drawing a gentle outline of all this

small plates and shared wine and sushi

i love this night i love this space 

the stories the laughter

the gorgeous risks

the ease

and i have to remind myself to breathe

sunday

there is a soft low hum of electricity
in my legs in my chest in my head
and my cheeks are flushed
it’s a gorgeous feeling
and I am grate*full

repeat

she acts as though it is just another day
a normal progression from then to now
and the casualness of it all
is just one more lie

fuck you
and this empty feeling

fuck you
exhale

inhale

exhale

inhale

here

I am still exactly right here
the view from this seat
from this level
too close to see it clearly
to understand this feeling
my eyes feel sore and it’s hard to focus
my chest feels heavy and empty at the same time
I am frozen and stuck
watching the hands spin on the clock
still as the day flies by
and I make agreements and deals
I will start at noon    at three   at five
the light comes and goes
and I am still exactly right here

now

we came around the corner

the morning sun was just starting to fill the sky

and she pulled me towards home

i am tempted to just daydream

and transport out of now

into something different 

something easier

and i catch my reflection in a car window

my crazy morning hair

my imperfections

and the rainbow arches over us

and i remember the openness 

of the windows this spring

the wide space of those red rocks

and that snow white canyon

and i find my way back

to my hope

back to my home

better next time

I feel like this is all in slow motion

Watching myself careening trough the air

Untethered 

No net

I feel out of breathe and spinning

And I can't find the emergency brake

Can't find the door

I told myself 

I promised myself that I wouldn't ignore it

That I would stand up and speak my truth

That I am worth more than this feeling

And I am silent and sunk down in my chair

Cement in my feet

Unsure and scared 

And I renew my promise

Better this next time around

Bold

Honest

Brave 

opening

finding where i am limited
that edge of tender
sore
stuck
and she comes over to help
props me up
and i open a little
a crack of light from my chest
i feel sad
relieved
and a flash of unsure  unsteady
and that off balance
opens my heart to possibility

to do

it all ebbs away from me
and she nudges me
into the cold evening air
keep walking, she whispers
farther
beyond  
past

old slow plumbing in this little house
and i come to in the pooled water
wake up, sweet woman
there is more ground to cover today

waking up

the orange stripe of the sunrise
dissolves into a pale golden light and then a calm blue
and my mind slowly catches up with my body
and my heart is still three steps behind
waking up   walking through the morning
waking up   thinking through my day
waking up   feeling the weight and the lightness
of the losses
the potential
and i commit to opening
i dedicate my energy
to discovery
evolution
revolution

day one chore

it was hard to start
I walked by it for a whole day
before I even looked for a key

it was mostly what I remembered
orange chairs
sewing table
boxes and crates of fabric  supplies  scissors  books
gifted serger that I still don’t know how to use
and things I had forgotten
yellow steel file cabinet
moms sewing machine
lovely blue chair

i filled up the garage
and paused when my back and my heart felt tired
even with the mountain looming behind that door
it feels closer to settled   closer to peace*full
it’s all here
finally
and the shadow isn’t that long
isn’t so scary

new year

I have decided
that this will be a
ridiculously
amazing
joy*full
year

at the edge

i catch myself at the edge
of the raw truth   of the messy details
and some of the debris sprays over
my eyes fill with tears

and she changes the subject
we talk about the royals
and the heavy disappointment of this president
what to do next   where to go from this train wreck

she doesn’t want to hear more
and i understand
and it’s hard to hold it all back
to keep it in a separate place
to know i am alone in this world
in this narrow slice of my story

the candle burns down
and the smoke pulls me back to now
and seals my resolve   my intent
to connect back to my self
connect these slivers of my story

after the fire

sitting in the ashes
of not that long ago
and I'm startled that she burned it all down
not a moment not a word not anything left
of that connection

my face and my hands black from the debris
from sifting through
that gorgeous first kiss and watching her walk back inside
the butterflies in my belly and the swirling in my skull
the dance of our hands
how she turned the lights back on to study my skin
how she saw me

she returned it all to my doorstep
soot smeared across on my face
and I sweep up the charred pieces
tears clear a path
towards some sort of new start