fresh

new neighborhood fabric store and swatches of my gorgeous future
flowy sleeveless dress with platform heels for sierra's wedding
and the ideas are swirling again
and I feel juicy and energetic and open and ready
for something new

mandolins and pound cake
bursting wide open and hoping everyone will see

manifesting amazing courageous

cup of coffee a day maybe 10 a week
what could I build
what could we build together

quiet

she asked if I was ok
again and again
the tears fell onto my green dress
and dried leaving little flags of sadness on my chest
gaping open and exposed
i tried to skip past it calm down breathe
i didnt expect this and somehow also created it
i dont know where to go next how to move through this
slip anonymously through but am fighting to keep from screaming out in the middle of the meeting of the call to random people i hardly know
move forward move one step forward

in empty moments i rush to fill the space
do more read something watch something else
no stillness no more quiet air

i am tired of running and trying and smiling

...

new day

as it opens in me around me
its beginning to come into focus
the grand idea of on my own in my own way

shiny marbles in the old rolaids jar
neat stacks of patterned fabric on the wire shelves
workhorse sewing machine ready for me
butterfly ideas flying through me
everything gorgeous fabulous perched on the edge of almost

this month
sketchbook project overflowing with our NYC trip
crazy quilt full of joyous not straight lines
gifting to clear more space in my world
writing to clear more space in my brain

happiness requires action

and courage

momma

she struggles for the next word
and fills in the pauses with that kind of thing
and the bottom line is
i feel nervous and i scramble to think it through
what did she see what did she read
can i connect the broken pieces again
and i wonder if she realizes what is happening

she worries about her dad and her crazy brother
the upcoming election
the upkeep of her yard
and how she is going to paint her ceiling
but the stories are full of holes
vague wandering confusing

and i worry
how can i help her
how do i tell her what i see what i hear how i feel
i want to shelter her protect her
listen through the pauses
patient
calm
fill in the blanks patch the holes in her stories
in her memory

my mothers voice

we visited over lunch
i told stories about my adventures
she laughed and patted my hand
food - movie - food
easy saturday

i tried to read her
and not let the realizations wash over my face
she walked so slow
tired
fragile
nervous

she is worried about bothering me
inconvienencing me
and i am worried about her
she asks the same questions over and over
i calmly respond as if its the first time every time

shadow

we hung the blinds
one after another
mark the window
drill two holes on each side
screw in the brackets
hang the blind
untangle the cords
make sure it works

next

and my sister worked in the kitchen with my mom
ancient cookbook open to the beef strogonoff recipe
my mom read each step
looked at the pan
reminding herself where she was in the process
butter
onions
garlic
brown the meat
salt
paprika
red pepper
my mom panicked when she read next line
one tablespoon tomato paste
she was sure she didnt have any tomato paste
she paused for a minute and pulled a plastic container of blue cheese out of the fridge
offering to use it instead
and my jaw dropped

growing up we had dinner every night as a family
everyone at the table
rotating menu of which beef strogonoff was the star
my mom must have made it more than a thousand times
rote
by sight
by taste
by smell
we knew when her allergies were getting the best of her
the strogonoff was spicy

i like blue cheese she said
and my sister looked at me blankly
we are not going to use blue cheese mom
i do like blue cheese though - it will be fine
and i walked to the pantry and found a small can of tomoato paste on the shelf

patience

careful balance speaking up confidently thoughtfully articulately and dominating the conversation breathe breathe and breathe again