better next time

I feel like this is all in slow motion

Watching myself careening trough the air

Untethered 

No net

I feel out of breathe and spinning

And I can't find the emergency brake

Can't find the door

I told myself 

I promised myself that I wouldn't ignore it

That I would stand up and speak my truth

That I am worth more than this feeling

And I am silent and sunk down in my chair

Cement in my feet

Unsure and scared 

And I renew my promise

Better this next time around

Bold

Honest

Brave 

opening

finding where i am limited
that edge of tender
sore
stuck
and she comes over to help
props me up
and i open a little
a crack of light from my chest
i feel sad
relieved
and a flash of unsure  unsteady
and that off balance
opens my heart to possibility

to do

it all ebbs away from me
and she nudges me
into the cold evening air
keep walking, she whispers
farther
beyond  
past

old slow plumbing in this little house
and i come to in the pooled water
wake up, sweet woman
there is more ground to cover today

waking up

the orange stripe of the sunrise
dissolves into a pale golden light and then a calm blue
and my mind slowly catches up with my body
and my heart is still three steps behind
waking up   walking through the morning
waking up   thinking through my day
waking up   feeling the weight and the lightness
of the losses
the potential
and i commit to opening
i dedicate my energy
to discovery
evolution
revolution

day one chore

it was hard to start
I walked by it for a whole day
before I even looked for a key

it was mostly what I remembered
orange chairs
sewing table
boxes and crates of fabric  supplies  scissors  books
gifted serger that I still don’t know how to use
and things I had forgotten
yellow steel file cabinet
moms sewing machine
lovely blue chair

i filled up the garage
and paused when my back and my heart felt tired
even with the mountain looming behind that door
it feels closer to settled   closer to peace*full
it’s all here
finally
and the shadow isn’t that long
isn’t so scary

new year

I have decided
that this will be a
ridiculously
amazing
joy*full
year

at the edge

i catch myself at the edge
of the raw truth   of the messy details
and some of the debris sprays over
my eyes fill with tears

and she changes the subject
we talk about the royals
and the heavy disappointment of this president
what to do next   where to go from this train wreck

she doesn’t want to hear more
and i understand
and it’s hard to hold it all back
to keep it in a separate place
to know i am alone in this world
in this narrow slice of my story

the candle burns down
and the smoke pulls me back to now
and seals my resolve   my intent
to connect back to my self
connect these slivers of my story