sunday

there is a soft low hum of electricity
in my legs in my chest in my head
and my cheeks are flushed
it’s a gorgeous feeling
and I am grate*full

repeat

she acts as though it is just another day
a normal progression from then to now
and the casualness of it all
is just one more lie

fuck you
and this empty feeling

fuck you
exhale

inhale

exhale

inhale

here

I am still exactly right here
the view from this seat
from this level
too close to see it clearly
to understand this feeling
my eyes feel sore and it’s hard to focus
my chest feels heavy and empty at the same time
I am frozen and stuck
watching the hands spin on the clock
still as the day flies by
and I make agreements and deals
I will start at noon    at three   at five
the light comes and goes
and I am still exactly right here

now

we came around the corner

the morning sun was just starting to fill the sky

and she pulled me towards home

i am tempted to just daydream

and transport out of now

into something different 

something easier

and i catch my reflection in a car window

my crazy morning hair

my imperfections

and the rainbow arches over us

and i remember the openness 

of the windows this spring

the wide space of those red rocks

and that snow white canyon

and i find my way back

to my hope

back to my home

better next time

I feel like this is all in slow motion

Watching myself careening trough the air

Untethered 

No net

I feel out of breathe and spinning

And I can't find the emergency brake

Can't find the door

I told myself 

I promised myself that I wouldn't ignore it

That I would stand up and speak my truth

That I am worth more than this feeling

And I am silent and sunk down in my chair

Cement in my feet

Unsure and scared 

And I renew my promise

Better this next time around

Bold

Honest

Brave 

opening

finding where i am limited
that edge of tender
sore
stuck
and she comes over to help
props me up
and i open a little
a crack of light from my chest
i feel sad
relieved
and a flash of unsure  unsteady
and that off balance
opens my heart to possibility

to do

it all ebbs away from me
and she nudges me
into the cold evening air
keep walking, she whispers
farther
beyond  
past

old slow plumbing in this little house
and i come to in the pooled water
wake up, sweet woman
there is more ground to cover today