movement

its both of us
in this creating this
moving closer each day to stars aligned

found a new strength last night
in this lovely dreamy life we have built
a trust in every little thing is gonna be alright

thankfully

long shot

i'm 43
and its a roller coaster of hormones and waiting and testing and waiting some more
and i know its a long shot

i have been talking to myself during this cycle
i read that an embryo at 4 weeks is the size of a poppy seed
so i whisper to her to grow and thrive and stay with me
poppy stay with me
day dreaming about how i will tell her this story when she is growing up and we will laugh and she will ask me to tell it again and again
about how she was a tiny seed in my belly

and if only i can make it to the end of the week
stay with me poppy stay with me

5 weeks and only one more until she is the size of a lentil

i tried to lay still tonight
talk to her
whisper to her
my hands on my belly
warm and full of hope

and i start bleeding and my head is swimming in why isnt this working
and what did i do wrong
and it all echos through the house tonight
i know i know
i cannot stop it or change it
and that its not the lucky bracelet or the whispering or the hoping
and i dont know what to do different or better

i need to clear a space on the floor
and gather up all these broken sad pieces
find a way to build myself back up
fill my chest with hope and patience
and strength enough to try this one more time

flashback

you probably dont remember
walking down the hall
holding my hand
pulling me pulling you
setting up the speakers that night
i didnt know and maybe i still dont
maybe i just cant see it all in one frame
all in one day
shading my eyes my face from the brightness of it all
of this
of you
of us