long shot

i'm 43
and its a roller coaster of hormones and waiting and testing and waiting some more
and i know its a long shot

i have been talking to myself during this cycle
i read that an embryo at 4 weeks is the size of a poppy seed
so i whisper to her to grow and thrive and stay with me
poppy stay with me
day dreaming about how i will tell her this story when she is growing up and we will laugh and she will ask me to tell it again and again
about how she was a tiny seed in my belly

and if only i can make it to the end of the week
stay with me poppy stay with me

5 weeks and only one more until she is the size of a lentil

i tried to lay still tonight
talk to her
whisper to her
my hands on my belly
warm and full of hope

and i start bleeding and my head is swimming in why isnt this working
and what did i do wrong
and it all echos through the house tonight
i know i know
i cannot stop it or change it
and that its not the lucky bracelet or the whispering or the hoping
and i dont know what to do different or better

i need to clear a space on the floor
and gather up all these broken sad pieces
find a way to build myself back up
fill my chest with hope and patience
and strength enough to try this one more time