i focus hold my breath for a minute
then bear down with all that i have
willing her willing myself
patch heal recover

small broken down apartment
narrow hallway low ceiling paint peeling off the green front door
she quickly brushed off the wooden table
into a white plastic laundry basket
mixed media pile of tshirts jeans markers plastic tubes of paint books receipts
she talked about how lucky she was to work for the after school program
she had scored all these supplies for free
i curled my toes hard in my shoes
held my tongue and nodded

words poured out of her faster than i could hear
a jumble of we are so sad we will make it together we are best friends
a duststorm of we were so much alike
swallowing me

i walked back to my faded red truck
the smell of american spirit cigarettes caught in my nose
the faint bitter taste of coffee in the back of my throat
my mind spinning with all that she said
sinking heavily into we are the same

i stood on the top step of the porch
nervous as i looked towards the microphone
past the string of lights to the women on the grass
found tables salvaged chairs legs crossed some rocking most smoking
all listening
quiet
waiting
i read from the craft paper scroll i had taken from my wall
i hadnt thought this through
didnt realize how big it was how apart i felt
these words would be out there in the world
they would all know
my voice cracked and my eyes filled with tears
and i could feel myself stepping out of the depth of sameness
toward something more real more authentic

she beamed proudly
my friends clapped surrounded me hugged me
and i knew that was the only time for me
no next time
the end of our shared story