i remember

I remember my grandfather in the VA hospital in temple
Yellow skin and a hollowness that was new
He was always rail thin and taller than my dad
Meticulously groomed mustache and ironed wrangler jeans
Boots
Everyday
He would turn his hearing aid down sometimes
Watch tv and just watch
Away from the noise of so many kids and so much commotion
We would walk through the house carefully – don’t touch anything
Rabbit hutches in the back and some cows roaming in the pasture just outside the kitchen window
Peach trees growing just inside the chain link fence behind the house
Sometimes ripe enough to add to the homemade ice cream
He married Alice when my dad was 17
I knew from the overheard conversations that he wasn’t my real blood grandfather
But he fit the bill in every other way

He stood with my dad in the hallway of the house in Palestine
My dad looking down the barrel of the new shotgun
Feeling the balance of the gun and singing the praises to his dad
And then the loudest sound
We all screamed and my grandmother about had a heart attack
And then started in on them both
What were you thinking - why did you do that
Huge gaping hole in the front door
Glass scattered all across the carpeted floor
Grandmother still yelling
Someone could have been killed – what if I was on the porch
And I saw a glimpse of anger in my dad that I hadn’t before
A this wasn’t my intention and I didn’t do it on purpose and I am sorry it scared you but stop yelling at me kind of anger
And I am not sure that his mother ever let it go
If there is one thing that I know about the fielders it is that we are world champion grudge-holders
My dad replaced the front door and cleaned up the glass and my grandfathered joked that he couldn’t hear any more because of it
They were fine – but my dad and his mother didn’t ever really recover

When my dad died in 1997
The suddenness shocked us all and my grandmother was distraught
You shouldn’t have to bury your child
Nothing was good enough
My mom’s decisions were wrong for the family
Disrespectful of Alice's new found religion and rules
She demanded a viewing and my mom relented
Its this one small piece in a far away room and you kids can go if you want but im not
She said
My brother tried to stop me before I went in
Don’t burn this picture into your mind
Don’t let this be what you remember
And I pushed past him and told myself I just wanted to see his face one more time
It wasn’t him – just a familiar hollowness a gaping hole
And I didn’t speak to my grandmother after that
Never another word
Angry about how she treated my mother

I drove with my older sister to my grandmother’s funeral in 2009
A long ride in a my Honda accord with a sibling I hardly know
We changed clothes in a Whataburger bathroom
And I remember her black pantyhose and how uncomfortable she looked
And then realized that maybe it was really my own discomfort
My own I don’t belong here feeling

Open casket
Empty hollow cheeks
Jet black hair in the perfect updo
As though she had just come from the beauty shop
Pink dress? Don’t really remember
Just that she looked uncomfortable too