nest

farmers market
paris neighborhoods
snowy bridges and boats in amsterdam
san francisco bridge
new york christmas lights
framed adventures

my whole body is smiling and settling and making a soft groovy place
i adore it
i am in love with my beautiful world

i am tired and a little sad

ready for this long looming change to swoop in and carry me

into my new house my new role my far away dream

i am tired of waiting working timing planning

i stubbornly try to pout my way into being all these things

and as if i can outlast it outsmart it

angry impatient snappy me that isnt really me at all

part of me that i dont like

deny

avoid

and here i am in the deep end

angry

impatient

and i struggle to remember how to get to the side

how to find the edge and crawl out

and i close my eyes and think about midnight swimming
my ears just under the surface
stress worry anger muffled silenced by the water
floating under the stars
birthing all these lovely dreams
breathe my dear breathe

this evening

i roll up my pajama pants
swirl my feet in the cold water
the wind picks up
and pecans fall onto the roof and the deck
the familiar knock fills the dark

i can see the leaves on the bottom
and hiding near the edge
riding the ripples of the water

restless and tired
my brain is headed in five different directions
and rocking in the corner
i whisper into the night
i can do this
coaxing my attention back to this moment
i can do this

i want to cast energy from my hands again
feel the pull the connection the flow
sew encouraging words into my shirt
and feel the letters the meaning the weight seep in
coax all parts of me back
to this night
to this cold water
to this moment

repair

she is brutally honest and its heartbreakingly clear
and i feel scared about what k will retain
fight creased into her palms
broken pieces imprinted on her soul
and there is no way to know
just trust and hope and trust some more
and wrap her in your arms
press laughter and warmth into her open hands

and hope

begin; again

coffee late night quiet house
my chest cracked open and it poured out of me
laughing and delighted
perfectly imperfect and hand made and such a surprising reflection of my soul
and i cried
relieved
encouraged
supple
happy

and i woke up this morning
excited to begin again
refreshed to feel the fresh air on my heart on my soul
opening more and more and more
again

new path

i spin my ring
and he refers and suggests and wishes us luck

my heart is racing
my face is flushed and hot
and i try to gather this up
from all the parts of me
wet palms
twisty belly
nervous revving brain
argyle socks
and i pad across the room and get dressed

today
focus restart
swimming in the grand possibility

re-entry

all the signs are in english
and i understand the conversation around me
comforting and strange at the same time
our adventure seems like a world away

we walked to the eiffel tower
snowflakes falling all around us
speechless and awed by the lights the cold the sight of it all

last night in the quiet of the house
echos of the evening
songs and laughter and a gorgeous meal
i closed my eyes and saw anne frank's tiny room
and the tree outside her blacked out window
she longed for the simplest joys - sun on her face and fresh air
i heard her father's sad voice
surprised by the child he found in her diary

the new year is beginning to unfold
and so am i
open hopeful naked and exploring
seeing this sweet life with new eyes
with gratitude
with joy