waking up

the orange stripe of the sunrise
dissolves into a pale golden light and then a calm blue
and my mind slowly catches up with my body
and my heart is still three steps behind
waking up   walking through the morning
waking up   thinking through my day
waking up   feeling the weight and the lightness
of the losses
the potential
and i commit to opening
i dedicate my energy
to discovery
evolution
revolution

day one chore

it was hard to start
I walked by it for a whole day
before I even looked for a key

it was mostly what I remembered
orange chairs
sewing table
boxes and crates of fabric  supplies  scissors  books
gifted serger that I still don’t know how to use
and things I had forgotten
yellow steel file cabinet
moms sewing machine
lovely blue chair

i filled up the garage
and paused when my back and my heart felt tired
even with the mountain looming behind that door
it feels closer to settled   closer to peace*full
it’s all here
finally
and the shadow isn’t that long
isn’t so scary

new year

I have decided
that this will be a
ridiculously
amazing
joy*full
year

at the edge

i catch myself at the edge
of the raw truth   of the messy details
and some of the debris sprays over
my eyes fill with tears

and she changes the subject
we talk about the royals
and the heavy disappointment of this president
what to do next   where to go from this train wreck

she doesn’t want to hear more
and i understand
and it’s hard to hold it all back
to keep it in a separate place
to know i am alone in this world
in this narrow slice of my story

the candle burns down
and the smoke pulls me back to now
and seals my resolve   my intent
to connect back to my self
connect these slivers of my story

after the fire

sitting in the ashes
of not that long ago
and I'm startled that she burned it all down
not a moment not a word not anything left
of that connection

my face and my hands black from the debris
from sifting through
that gorgeous first kiss and watching her walk back inside
the butterflies in my belly and the swirling in my skull
the dance of our hands
how she turned the lights back on to study my skin
how she saw me

she returned it all to my doorstep
soot smeared across on my face
and I sweep up the charred pieces
tears clear a path
towards some sort of new start

just as I am

once upon a time

my space was small and cramped

recordings of too much   too big    too loud

drowning out my voice 

i am growing past those limits

and into joy and hope 

right to the verge of gorgeous

some days the echoes of that old

bounce off this still new place

distorted and jumbled into not enough and not quite right

and the trick is rising past it

in letting the sound just dissipate and fade

in overshadowing it with the glory of my crazy ideas and laughter

my path towards practicing plenty and perfect 

just as i am

misaligned

her hands on mine   on my leg

and the softness of the valley of her elbow

and her lips and her eyes and we fit together in a way that feels easy 

amazing 

electric 

gentle 

and she sees me in a way that is new and scary and great 

and pushes me past my history   my less than   my not enough

she is in my heart 

and with each vulnerable moment my heart is more raw  more exposed 

and my life spins around me 

and i react from the shadows of my past 

and she reacts to my reaction 

its hard and disorienting and doesnt make sense

she is struggling and sad 

and we cross past each other in this jumble

and I am hurting her 

my broken pieces and my sharp edges are cutting her

and i dont understand

how i feel so loved and so much love for her 

and still can't figure out how to grind down my jagged parts 

to create the opening she longs for

and I can't find her hand in this confusion 

or the words to reassure her and explain 

my heart aches

my words fall flat and i awkwardly stumble

and then fall deeper into my own sadness