dinner

ten years ago my mom gave me a recipe book for Christmas
and she included my favorite things
her recipes for beef stroganoff and mayonnaise cake
and left plenty of spaces for me to fill in the book

I have packed and unpacked that book
moved through two states and two marriages
and added biscuits and lemon pie and cinnamon rolls
each time I see her handwriting on the cards
I hear her voice    I smell her cooking
I see her again
singing  humming  floating around the kitchen island
she adds tea to the spaghetti sauce to make it more brown
because my dad likes it that way
her hands can withstand the hottest water
and she makes the best pizza dough in the world

and tonight as I stand at my sink
cleaning up my latest beef stroganoff attempt
i miss that version of my mom
she was at the island washing dishes when I burst in from my first prom date
she was singing the sound of music when I came home from practice
she was there with dinner and questions about me and my day
she was strong and present and always working
on us     for us

this morning i stood in the guest bathroom as she showered
reminding her to wash her hair
and telling her what I remember
she would swim laps at the Jewish community center pool
her one piece speedo swimsuit   her swim cap   her goggles
she loved that pool and those laps
it was peaceful and quiet           her work for her
she laughs and says she doesn't like the water on her face