i remember

I remember my grandfather in the VA hospital in temple
Yellow skin and a hollowness that was new
He was always rail thin and taller than my dad
Meticulously groomed mustache and ironed wrangler jeans
Boots
Everyday
He would turn his hearing aid down sometimes
Watch tv and just watch
Away from the noise of so many kids and so much commotion
We would walk through the house carefully – don’t touch anything
Rabbit hutches in the back and some cows roaming in the pasture just outside the kitchen window
Peach trees growing just inside the chain link fence behind the house
Sometimes ripe enough to add to the homemade ice cream
He married Alice when my dad was 17
I knew from the overheard conversations that he wasn’t my real blood grandfather
But he fit the bill in every other way

He stood with my dad in the hallway of the house in Palestine
My dad looking down the barrel of the new shotgun
Feeling the balance of the gun and singing the praises to his dad
And then the loudest sound
We all screamed and my grandmother about had a heart attack
And then started in on them both
What were you thinking - why did you do that
Huge gaping hole in the front door
Glass scattered all across the carpeted floor
Grandmother still yelling
Someone could have been killed – what if I was on the porch
And I saw a glimpse of anger in my dad that I hadn’t before
A this wasn’t my intention and I didn’t do it on purpose and I am sorry it scared you but stop yelling at me kind of anger
And I am not sure that his mother ever let it go
If there is one thing that I know about the fielders it is that we are world champion grudge-holders
My dad replaced the front door and cleaned up the glass and my grandfathered joked that he couldn’t hear any more because of it
They were fine – but my dad and his mother didn’t ever really recover

When my dad died in 1997
The suddenness shocked us all and my grandmother was distraught
You shouldn’t have to bury your child
Nothing was good enough
My mom’s decisions were wrong for the family
Disrespectful of Alice's new found religion and rules
She demanded a viewing and my mom relented
Its this one small piece in a far away room and you kids can go if you want but im not
She said
My brother tried to stop me before I went in
Don’t burn this picture into your mind
Don’t let this be what you remember
And I pushed past him and told myself I just wanted to see his face one more time
It wasn’t him – just a familiar hollowness a gaping hole
And I didn’t speak to my grandmother after that
Never another word
Angry about how she treated my mother

I drove with my older sister to my grandmother’s funeral in 2009
A long ride in a my Honda accord with a sibling I hardly know
We changed clothes in a Whataburger bathroom
And I remember her black pantyhose and how uncomfortable she looked
And then realized that maybe it was really my own discomfort
My own I don’t belong here feeling

Open casket
Empty hollow cheeks
Jet black hair in the perfect updo
As though she had just come from the beauty shop
Pink dress? Don’t really remember
Just that she looked uncomfortable too

heavy heart

heavy heart
remembering my father
and the 29 years of my life in which he loomed large
in my decisions my outlook my path
and the 15 years since
shattered at first
shell shocked and foggy
and slowly finding myself again
clouds lifting to discover a new path
funny stories and long ago pictures
seared on my soul
tatooed on my heart

the time before and after so deeply divided
seperate lives somehow
and the mending process is so gd long
knitting back together the pre and post

hard to imagine my life now
without this scar
and i run my fingers over it
flashes of soccer games and foot races
big dogs snowy vacations
rugby jerseys and maroon coach's shorts
flat top
and his big leather breifcase
sometimes filled with computer printouts
sometimes with guns and ammo

i long for a bear hug the smell of old spice
and homemade pizza on a sunday afternoon

movement

its both of us
in this creating this
moving closer each day to stars aligned

found a new strength last night
in this lovely dreamy life we have built
a trust in every little thing is gonna be alright

thankfully

long shot

i'm 43
and its a roller coaster of hormones and waiting and testing and waiting some more
and i know its a long shot

i have been talking to myself during this cycle
i read that an embryo at 4 weeks is the size of a poppy seed
so i whisper to her to grow and thrive and stay with me
poppy stay with me
day dreaming about how i will tell her this story when she is growing up and we will laugh and she will ask me to tell it again and again
about how she was a tiny seed in my belly

and if only i can make it to the end of the week
stay with me poppy stay with me

5 weeks and only one more until she is the size of a lentil

i tried to lay still tonight
talk to her
whisper to her
my hands on my belly
warm and full of hope

and i start bleeding and my head is swimming in why isnt this working
and what did i do wrong
and it all echos through the house tonight
i know i know
i cannot stop it or change it
and that its not the lucky bracelet or the whispering or the hoping
and i dont know what to do different or better

i need to clear a space on the floor
and gather up all these broken sad pieces
find a way to build myself back up
fill my chest with hope and patience
and strength enough to try this one more time

flashback

you probably dont remember
walking down the hall
holding my hand
pulling me pulling you
setting up the speakers that night
i didnt know and maybe i still dont
maybe i just cant see it all in one frame
all in one day
shading my eyes my face from the brightness of it all
of this
of you
of us

nest

farmers market
paris neighborhoods
snowy bridges and boats in amsterdam
san francisco bridge
new york christmas lights
framed adventures

my whole body is smiling and settling and making a soft groovy place
i adore it
i am in love with my beautiful world

i am tired and a little sad

ready for this long looming change to swoop in and carry me

into my new house my new role my far away dream

i am tired of waiting working timing planning

i stubbornly try to pout my way into being all these things

and as if i can outlast it outsmart it

angry impatient snappy me that isnt really me at all

part of me that i dont like

deny

avoid

and here i am in the deep end

angry

impatient

and i struggle to remember how to get to the side

how to find the edge and crawl out

and i close my eyes and think about midnight swimming
my ears just under the surface
stress worry anger muffled silenced by the water
floating under the stars
birthing all these lovely dreams
breathe my dear breathe