movement

its both of us
in this creating this
moving closer each day to stars aligned

found a new strength last night
in this lovely dreamy life we have built
a trust in every little thing is gonna be alright

thankfully

long shot

i'm 43
and its a roller coaster of hormones and waiting and testing and waiting some more
and i know its a long shot

i have been talking to myself during this cycle
i read that an embryo at 4 weeks is the size of a poppy seed
so i whisper to her to grow and thrive and stay with me
poppy stay with me
day dreaming about how i will tell her this story when she is growing up and we will laugh and she will ask me to tell it again and again
about how she was a tiny seed in my belly

and if only i can make it to the end of the week
stay with me poppy stay with me

5 weeks and only one more until she is the size of a lentil

i tried to lay still tonight
talk to her
whisper to her
my hands on my belly
warm and full of hope

and i start bleeding and my head is swimming in why isnt this working
and what did i do wrong
and it all echos through the house tonight
i know i know
i cannot stop it or change it
and that its not the lucky bracelet or the whispering or the hoping
and i dont know what to do different or better

i need to clear a space on the floor
and gather up all these broken sad pieces
find a way to build myself back up
fill my chest with hope and patience
and strength enough to try this one more time

flashback

you probably dont remember
walking down the hall
holding my hand
pulling me pulling you
setting up the speakers that night
i didnt know and maybe i still dont
maybe i just cant see it all in one frame
all in one day
shading my eyes my face from the brightness of it all
of this
of you
of us

nest

farmers market
paris neighborhoods
snowy bridges and boats in amsterdam
san francisco bridge
new york christmas lights
framed adventures

my whole body is smiling and settling and making a soft groovy place
i adore it
i am in love with my beautiful world

i am tired and a little sad

ready for this long looming change to swoop in and carry me

into my new house my new role my far away dream

i am tired of waiting working timing planning

i stubbornly try to pout my way into being all these things

and as if i can outlast it outsmart it

angry impatient snappy me that isnt really me at all

part of me that i dont like

deny

avoid

and here i am in the deep end

angry

impatient

and i struggle to remember how to get to the side

how to find the edge and crawl out

and i close my eyes and think about midnight swimming
my ears just under the surface
stress worry anger muffled silenced by the water
floating under the stars
birthing all these lovely dreams
breathe my dear breathe

this evening

i roll up my pajama pants
swirl my feet in the cold water
the wind picks up
and pecans fall onto the roof and the deck
the familiar knock fills the dark

i can see the leaves on the bottom
and hiding near the edge
riding the ripples of the water

restless and tired
my brain is headed in five different directions
and rocking in the corner
i whisper into the night
i can do this
coaxing my attention back to this moment
i can do this

i want to cast energy from my hands again
feel the pull the connection the flow
sew encouraging words into my shirt
and feel the letters the meaning the weight seep in
coax all parts of me back
to this night
to this cold water
to this moment

repair

she is brutally honest and its heartbreakingly clear
and i feel scared about what k will retain
fight creased into her palms
broken pieces imprinted on her soul
and there is no way to know
just trust and hope and trust some more
and wrap her in your arms
press laughter and warmth into her open hands

and hope