after the fire

sitting in the ashes
of not that long ago
and I'm startled that she burned it all down
not a moment not a word not anything left
of that connection

my face and my hands black from the debris
from sifting through
that gorgeous first kiss and watching her walk back inside
the butterflies in my belly and the swirling in my skull
the dance of our hands
how she turned the lights back on to study my skin
how she saw me

she returned it all to my doorstep
soot smeared across on my face
and I sweep up the charred pieces
tears clear a path
towards some sort of new start

just as I am

once upon a time

my space was small and cramped

recordings of too much   too big    too loud

drowning out my voice 

i am growing past those limits

and into joy and hope 

right to the verge of gorgeous

some days the echoes of that old

bounce off this still new place

distorted and jumbled into not enough and not quite right

and the trick is rising past it

in letting the sound just dissipate and fade

in overshadowing it with the glory of my crazy ideas and laughter

my path towards practicing plenty and perfect 

just as i am

misaligned

her hands on mine   on my leg

and the softness of the valley of her elbow

and her lips and her eyes and we fit together in a way that feels easy 

amazing 

electric 

gentle 

and she sees me in a way that is new and scary and great 

and pushes me past my history   my less than   my not enough

she is in my heart 

and with each vulnerable moment my heart is more raw  more exposed 

and my life spins around me 

and i react from the shadows of my past 

and she reacts to my reaction 

its hard and disorienting and doesnt make sense

she is struggling and sad 

and we cross past each other in this jumble

and I am hurting her 

my broken pieces and my sharp edges are cutting her

and i dont understand

how i feel so loved and so much love for her 

and still can't figure out how to grind down my jagged parts 

to create the opening she longs for

and I can't find her hand in this confusion 

or the words to reassure her and explain 

my heart aches

my words fall flat and i awkwardly stumble

and then fall deeper into my own sadness 

freedom yoga

I am right on time
and they are making space
for the swell of people coming in
I am up against the mirrored wall
and do my best not to catch my own eye
there is a rainbow pig and she jokes
and pushes us       pushes me
to calm down to quiet the dictator in my brain
to focus
to embrace my belly
to breathe
to open my chest and activate my feet
to elongate my spine
and through it all I can feel the sadness splinter off my body
I can feel my lungs fill more fully
and in turn my heart does too

middle

the almost full moon
pulls me through the dark neighborhood
and pearl weaves in and out of the shadows
and I try to hold my mind in this moment
my cheeks pink from the cool air
my feet tracing this well worn path home

pockets bulging with the pieces I have gathered up
I need to find a new way to fit it all back together
I see my mothers hands holding my coffee cup
and wish I could ask her how to stand in this
how to move from what I felt was so certain      so true
through to a new view of myself   of my life
how to tenderly carry my bruised heart
how to protect my bones from the weight of the sadness

some day

from the bed I can see the stars

it's quiet and cold down here

Pearl is not sure what to make of all this

and neither am I

relieved to have some space and some privacy

and at the same time it is sad and empty and it all echos

I will chose differently next time

the sink is too high

the drawers in the closet aren't quite deep enough

it wasn't ever intended to be a single room

so I am half of a whole in this room

i dream of a little yellow house

Safe      gentle      mine

some day the universe whispers     be patient

flashing airplane lights like firecrackers across the black sky

some day 

looking

hiding in a bathroom stall
just for a moment of privacy and space and quiet

my voice is shaky and the tears stream down my face
at the most mundane moments
terrible and honest and authentic
and devastating

i am trying to find a fix for this tightness in my throat
for the hard and sad that is camped in my chest

her work schedule means I sleep alone quite often
last night purposefully as she slept in the other room
I am not sure how to be in this world
I am not sure how to find a softer gentler place
so I shower and work and breathe and cry
and keep looking